9 posts tagged “life”

Why does shit always change so quickly for me?

For as long as I can remember whenever things start to change in my life everything changes and it all happens in a flash.

I got home and Lesley's shit was half moved out today.  Her and the boy I haven't given a nickname to yet viewed an apartment yesterday and apparently they landlord is a friend of a friend of the bihganty and BAM... they got the place.

It's fucking insane.

It makes me sad though.  Hopefully everything will be better after pho on Saturday.  Hopefully.

When I got home, my first objective was to call my landlord.  Which I did and though I'm sure that he likes me I'm still a little bit nervous about stuff.  (Rental Apps, Credit/Criminal Checks and what not.)  Only time will tell though.  Second on the agenda was to get stoned. 
Apparently I haven't smoked in so long I fucking forgot where I put my stash.  I looked in three different places before I found it. 
Fuuuuuck!

I need to go shower.  A really long, long ass shower.  It's gonna be great.

I love birthdays.
I think they're great.  A day to honor a person's life is a beautiful thing. 

Today, is the Terrorist's birthday, I think I'm more excited than he is.
That's okay, I can restrain myself.  I understand that not everyone is as into birthdays as I am.

But that doesn't mean I can't wish him a...

My head is throbbing. 
So badly that it kind of makes me want to vomit.

I closed with my manager tonight.  I don't know who's worse.  Her or New Guy.  At least with her I get all the tips and we're generally out of there super early.  She's very much a "go to work to work" type.  Which is cool and all but when it's as slow as it was tonight a little harmless chit chat would make the night go by a bit faster.  Ugh.

Stayed at the Terrorist's house last night.  Got there and was in bed within the hour.  Which is basically what our relationship has been reduced to over the past week or two.  He mentioned it this morning.  How it kind of bothers him that we haven't really gotten to spend much QT together. The comment kind of caught me off guard to be honest.  I don't really know why but it did.  It's not that I hadn't noticed it, it's not that I didn't agree with it, I just hadn't actually admitted it to myself until he vocalized the words.  Because of the whole "incapable of adult relationship's" thing I had tricked myself into thinking that it was just sex that I was missing I didn't even think of the emotional aspect.  Wow, that snuck up and bit me on the ass.  Oh well, life is busy for both of us at the moment and it's only going to get busier.  Which sucks, a lot, but there's not much we can do about it.  Just have to give it time, things will even out after a bit.  I hope.
`
Fuck.  It's 230a.  I was supposed to be in bed by two.
I need to go to bed, I have to be downtown at 10a. 
Fuck, that's in less that eight hours. 

And I'm dirty.

I think I'm gonna go shower.

I showered.

Much better.

Life has been... full. Lately.

Full of people, mainly. Everyday since last Saturday (a week ago) I've hung out with either Chris or The Terrorist. This isn't a bad thing, because I like both of them and think they're both fun to hang out with but it's very unlike me. I generally spend a lot more time alone than I have been lately.

Tonight will be boy free.

How do I know this? Easy. The Terrorist has his kid tonight and Chris is mad at me.

Why is Chris mad at me? Well that answer isn't quite as easy. I'm not really sure. I know it has something to do with me being rude. Or at least him thinking I was being rude. (Which is a HUGE annoyance to Chris) but I called him and explained to his voice mail that I don't think I was being rude and why I didn't think I was being rude. Then asked him to call back if I missed something (or if he wanted to hang out.) That was about 24-hrs ago and I still haven't heard from him. That makes me sad. I know he's stressing out about life lately and that might have something to do with the (what I see as) extreme reaction. Whatever it is I hope is resolved soon enough. He's a good cat and I love him. Don't wanna loose a friend over something silly.

Before our argument though, we had a pretty good week. Full of reefer and cooking. A bit too much reefer if you ask me. It caused me to sleep past noon pretty much every day this week. (And unfortunately I've reached the age where I feel like that's a “waste of a day”.)

I still haven't found a job. I have been looking but as mentioned in the aforementioned paragraph I've smoked a lotta pot this week which has lowered my motivation level. For the most part though, everyday I've sent out at least 1 resume, Chris would smoke me out and let me use his computer and I'd give him a ride to work. It worked for him, worked for me, was generally a good all around deal. (Except I'd get too stoned to do anything else but send an email out. :-/ ) This next week is going to be different. Monday I think I'm going to hit up the two bars and a cafe right down the road and probably I'll do Belmont. Then Tuesday hopefully Hawthorne (and Caldera!). Yesterday I was pretty good, sent out 5 resumes! (Go me!)

Lately I've been noticing that my ... habits/personality/self... has changed when I'm stoned. I used to get really paranoid and quiet. Now I ramble and ramble and ramble. I've kind of noticed it a bit lately but last night I really noticed it. I couldn't shut up. Granted it was only a 5-20min window from when we smoked to when we turned the movie on... but it's like I had EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD to say in that period. That's probably why this short post is turning into a novel.

As with many people, reefer has a tendency to make me a bit randy. It always has to a certain degree but I also think it might have something to do with the fact whenever OMS and I got together we'd always smoke first. So somewhere in my brain it attributes reefer to sex. I kind of Miss OMS. That's not to say I'm not enjoy myself out here because I TOTALLY am but OMS had a certain way about him. Very mellow. Last time I talked to him he was having a bit of a bad luck run. I hope things have leveled out for him.

As I might have mentioned in a previous post, when I set up my computer I couldn't find any wifi signals aside from one encrypted one. On top of that DSL isn't available in this area. Which left us with Comcast. Sucky. Comcast is expensive and they use their Voodoo magic to make Torrent's not work. Because of this (and the fact that we're both going to be getting laptops soon) Lesley and I decided to forgo the internet. Sadness. Then the Terrorist was here this morning playing with Leela (his portable computer Nokia palm pilot type thing... there's a much shorter explanation of what Leela is but I'm stoned and don't really remember) Anyway, I was out buying coffee (for my new FRENCH PRESS) and he stayed here. Leela is wi-fi enabled so he sat next to the window and scanned. “What'd he find” you ask?! Well, I'll tell you. Leela, bless her little electronic heart, found a SHIT TON of signals. Awesomeness!! I got a cord for my WiFi card, to bring it closer to the window and I found up to 12 of those signals. Supa cool. The problem? Apparently my computer reacts differently to Wifi instead of regular internet and because of this The Terrorist couldn't fix it on the spot. (Or something like that... I'm stupid and stoned) BUT the good news?! If Chris still wants to be my friend I'm sure the fact that he knows my computer so well would be an advantage. Or The Terrorist can come back some time when he has the shit he needs and fix it. But either way I'm confident I'll be stealing internet shortly. YAY! Go me!

Had a talk with the Terrorist. It was quite cute, really, well kinda. Hadn't seen him in a few days so when I went over I asked how he'd been. He told me about doing some drugs with a friend and the next night went out to celebrate a friends birthday. I told him about smoking a lot of pot with Chris. Then a short time later we were sitting on the couch just chilling and he said those dreaded words... “So... this is kind of awkward, but...” I immediately had an internal freak out. But after a few pauses he explained to me that he and his friend had sex (two nights prior, the same friend he was doing the drugs with.) And he didn't know if I had other partners or not but he just wanted to be honest about everything (which is always appreciated). I was amazingly cool with it. Honestly. Which is a little weird for me, because even though we haven't “defined” anything (which is super cool and different to me) I am a jealous person. I even got a little jealous of OMS's others (not his wife cause that would be just silly, but he had mentioned one or two other people he'd been mingling with) I don't know why I did but I did. It wasn't like a freakish “I hate them bitches, they should die” type of thing. But just a little bit of a “hmm, wonder what they have that I don't?” type of thing. Anyway, getting back on point. I wasn't jealous AND the girl he was with is a cutie. I've seen her myspace I thought I would be but I wasn't.  (Go me!)  Probably partially because I kind of assumed he was fucking others all along and partially because... I don't know. I must be growing as a person. Though, I have to say... this girl was very energetic and left a few battle scars. Which I can totally appreciate but for like 2 seconds I had a mildly adverse reaction. It was fleeting though, and very mild.

I think my sex drive is going up. I'm having sex more or less every other day or so. Granted sometimes its a bit more or less I think the average would be every other day. Which is more sex than I've had... in years. And I'm also masturbating more than normal. Which isn't really a lot because I've been living in environments that aren't exactly masturbation friendly for the past year but still a couple times a week or so. Weird.

I need to go do my make-up. Yep. Gotta get going. Even though I'd kind of like to take a nap. I need to go eat free food.

I think I'm having a bit of a quarter life crisis.

Which person from your past, who you've lost touch with, do you wonder about the most? 
Submitted by ancora impara.

There are SOOOOOO many great people in this world that I've had the pleasure of meeting.  And I wonder about many of them, often.  Of all of those I think the ones I think about the most would be... Jenny (my childhood best friend)  Vicki  (my overnight partner in crime who had a heart of gold once you got through the crusty exterior)  Billy C. (the boy I lost my virginity to.)  So many people I've met in passing... like the guys on the train, Dave and... I forgot the other kids name.    Ody, Spidah, Noah and other people I met via NCLA. 

There are more.  But these are the ones that jump to the front of my brain.

A lot is going on in life...

Hopefully I'll get around to dishing about it at some point...

:-)

I don't mean to at all but I think that my next few entries will mostly be about how I don't want to be in Maine. 

Before I start with my bitch fest I need to make it known that though Maine isn't really the place I want to be right now there are tons of great people here.  Such as Nate who not only got up at 5am to pick me up at the airport but also took me out to eat (twice) and then let me borrow his car while he was at work and trusted me with his debit card (mainly so I could pick up his groceries but that's besides the point.)  And Erica who not only asked if I wanted to but insisted that I borrow her brand new winter jacket because I don't have anything warmer than my "Maine" hoodie.  And Kathryn and Byron who let me cook for them when I got it in my head that I wanted to make a meal because I haven't cooked in so long.  (And I have to say aside from a slight timing error and a few to many shallots it came out AWESOME!!)

Now, on to the bitch-fest.  I talked to my mom today.  She started lecturing me about my life.  What am I doing with my life, what am I looking for?  I'm 26 years old, isn't about time for me to settle down.  Then she even pulled the... "I don't know if you believe in god but I think you should ask him for some guidance.  Ugh.  She had every right to be irritated with me.  She's paying my debt off for me, which I feel awful about but that's why I'm taking this job so I can make a large amount of cash relatively quickly.  If I could make it happen faster I would but at this point it's just a waiting game. 

I hate to say it but I think I should have stayed in Piney Point.  At least then I wouldn't be getting lectured.  I hate getting lectured at.  She has a hard time comprehending that I actually like this kind of lifestyle.  I like being on the go and moving around and being all scattered.  I'd rather get it out of my system now when I'm not married and don't have kids.  So that way whenever I decide to get married I would feel like I missed out on something.

I need a drink.  Blah.

Sounds kind of important.  Kind of like it's setting the tone for the whole blog, but is it possible to set a tone for one's life?

I need to get out of here.  I love Portland but right now my situation is becoming a bit... yucky.  I need to take a break.  I've 
come a long way over the past few years.  I need to keep progressing.  It's been almost a year since Chris and I broke up 
and I think I've reached the point where I really need to "break away" from him.  Unfortunately I think the only way I'll be able
to do that is if I leave.  Which is why I'm inquiring about working on a cruise ship.  Don't get me wrong it's something I've 
been interested in for awhile but ultimately that's what is giving me the kick in the ass to pursue this path.  

I think/hope that 5 months away will give us enough time apart to... I don't know.  As much as I hate to say it because 
I could never say it to him but I think it's more time he needs.  Blah.  That sound's weird.  I feel that Chris has become a bit 
too dependant on my friendship.  I think if I were to leave he'd be kind of forced to sink or swim.  He gets sad because he
doesn't have much of a social circle.  But yet he never attempts to meet people.  I think that's because he knows I'm here
and because he doesn't need many friend's I'm "good enough."   But if I were to leave and not be around then he'd be 
forced to go out and find others to hang with.  That way when I come back we can be friends.  Plus the time apart would
provide the separation I've been craving since we broke up.  We went a month or so without talking but I need some 
serious time to ... I don't know... decompress?  no that's not it.  Whatever it is I feel I need some major time to myself to
do it.  

When I come back.  Fuck it, I'm being honest I might as well cover this one too. 

I have this slight obsession and I hate it.  In fact I kind of wish it would just go away and stop bothering me.  But he wont.
Nick.  I found out that he is alive.  And he apologized for disappearing and life is busy and nutty and stressful and all that 
shit, and I also found out that he's moving to Vancouver, B.C.  (I think in the spring)  And though we pretty much never 
talk now I have it in my head that we're gonna hang out when he moves.  Because I want to see Vancouver and he's going
to live there then BOOM that's reason enough for us to hang out.  What really sucks is that I've also got it in my head that
he's my soul mate and that a life without him is a life not worth living.  Or some melodramatic movie type crap.  I can't get 
passed our coffee date in my future planning.  Am I going to cruise more?  Am I going to move back to Maine?  Am I going
to stay in Portland?  I DON'T FUCKING KNOW?!?!?  All I know is that I want to have coffee with Nick at some point.  Which
I guess that's okay.  I don't want to plan to far ahead.  I say that but it wasn't even a year ago that during a very fucked up
moment I had a perfectly clear vision of a wedding that I had with Mr. V.  Fuckin' A I'm screwed up in the head.

I need to go to bed and wake up and go to work.
Blah.

Happy first post!